Searching for Safety
12 years ago, I was giving a presentation to a classroom of middle school students about staying safe. I was blown away when an 11-year-old student gave his definition of safety; “There is no safe place or person or thing, safety comes from within, it’s a feeling”. It was one of those “mic drop” moments. I looked over at his teacher and saw that we were both speechless.
There is no better way to set ourselves up for disappointment than to expect something outside of ourselves to keep us safe. It is our thoughts, feelings, intuition, and actions that gives us that safe feeling. Obviously, we have emergency safety, such as fleeing a fire or life-threatening danger or abuse. As a result of such trauma, we may continue to have ongoing feelings of panic or danger when we are not in actual danger. This is a symptom of acute stress or post-traumatic stress.
As a result, we reach for comfort. Sometimes we reach for things that numb or altar or mood, such as using substances, food, internet, sex, over sleeping, over doing for others, working too much, isolating or seek out highly dependent relationships to help us manage our feelings. The list can be endless. We soon find out that this works in the moment, but not long term and ultimately, we are constantly chased by the tiger of trauma. The panic button never shuts off. We end up feeling more insecure and helpless. Layers upon layers of feeling unsafe eventually cover up the light of safety within. The pain gets greater and so we continue to search for something that will be the cure.
“The Cure” is within. Buried deep within you, once discovered, will not waiver. For some, this comes from a spiritual practice. For others, it just requires the willingness to consider accepting that we are more than just our mechanical mind and body. In my experience of working with persons in recovery for over 25 years, I consistently discovered that those that had a connection to something greater than themselves-- a connection that flows within them, and that quite possibly is on our side at all times despite appearances-- had a more fulfilling recovery experience and more meaning in their lives.
Sometimes, persons have been severely abused by their own religion or an institution and find that it is difficult to trust or find a spiritual path without fear or feeling betrayed. I am not suggesting that you need to be religious, especially if it is not for you. I am also deeply, deeply sorry if any harm came to you. What I am suggesting that might be helpful, is finding that source within you, that great intelligence that is in every breath, every cell, everything that lives and grows. That consistent life power from the tiniest cell in your body to the vast universe that which connects us to everything. That! Discover THAT and see where it takes you. Your safety lies therein as you are a part of that “thing” which is so much more omnipotent than our tiny self. Call it what you will.
We are in extreme, uncertain, and painful times. The losses have been profound. As I write this, living in Oregon, we are surrounded by wildfires and buried in heavy smoke. I find it hard to breathe and I am deeply fatigued. I have committed to my own practice of meditation every hour on the hour for all concerned until this condition has changed. All of Oregon and outlying states are in danger. Life as we knew and took for granted has turned its back on us temporarily and requires us to find our own way. By now, most all of us have experienced trauma this year from COVID, to wildfires, hurricanes, financial losses, disparity, inequality, isolation, loss of loved ones, and more. There is no one right now that has the answers for you. NO ONE and if they say they do, I suggest you run! Because they are telling you what works for themselves or what they think will work for you. There is no expert that has the key to your safety, your recovery, you are wellbeing. You do.
As a holistic psychotherapist, my role is to help you find that. There is a light of wisdom and strength within you. Over time all the muck and pain that you may have endured can make that light of safety become dimmer, but it never diminishes. As you begin to clear all the layers, it will shine brilliantly once again. I promise.
Here is the Good news… As I said before, there is no expert that can tell you how to navigate this and how to feel or be safe. We are all relying on what to do from things that seemed similar in the past. We are all in a big experiment. We have no clear way out. Yes, that is the good news. We have all been uniquely and individually traumatized and collectively traumatized by this disastrous year and we are all doing our best to stay safe and persevere. Our individual meaning of these experiences we are having can help us create that which builds our unique safety, coping and recovery.
Your journey towards safety and recovery is individual to you and only you. So here are some considerations for finding your own safety and meaning during traumatic times:
Do not look to others or even the “experts” on how to accomplish surviving and thriving from traumatic experiences. As a therapist, I have tools to help guide my clients through this process, but I do not have the answer. You do. Believing in someone or something else for our wellbeing creates unhealthy dependency. Without it, we fall apart. With it, we become disabled in discovering our own strength. Feel free to gather knowledge and wisdom from others and helpful tools and interventions, but ultimately you decide what is best for you.
Consider the possibility that deep within you are all the answers. Yes, it is there. The best thing I can do for you is to help you find it and share some tools that you may or may not choose to find helpful. When we learn to become still, quiet, and listen without distraction all the answers will appear. Part of learning how to be confidently safe, is to learn to listen and trust ourselves.
Never, Ever, and I mean NEVER apologize, defend, explain, or ask for approval or permission to do what you need to do to stay safe, healthy, whole, and secure. History has shown us that there have been many tragedies that have occurred when people surrendered their personal power over to someone or something else that seemed to have the answers for their wellbeing and safety. As you develop and begin to trust your intuition, inner knowing and guidance, you will feel more confident in saying no or making another decision for yourself. Our best decisions for ourselves come from being calm, listening, and examining decisions intellectually, factually, rationally, and emotionally. Talk it out, walk it out, journal, research, contemplate, meditate, or pray if you have the willingness to do so. Play it forward. In other words, play out your decision or scenario in your mind and examine how you would feel, act, and behave. If it does not feel right or there is a negative consequence, consider another decision for your wellbeing.
You will not make the “wrong” decision. Now, keep in mind I am not talking about doing something harmful to yourself or others. Instead, if the decision you make does not seem to be most helpful, its more information for you to help you find a better one.
Failure and making mistakes are necessary. It is from our mistakes and failures that we can learn and adjust. When we face adversity again, we can call on our strength from when we faced difficult times in the past. “If I could get through that, I can get through this, I can do this”! When we give our power over to someone else to figure it out for us, we become more disabled, and more of a victim to the next problem. Decide and reserve that knowledge from the experience for the next situation. You will be able to call on that strength and confidently create safety for yourself. Remember, with every decision you make, there is an opportunity for learning from the information it provides.
Give yourself lots of grace, compassion, forgiveness, encouragement and ask for help. Allow yourself to feel scared, worried, sad, discouraged, hopeless. Your feelings will come and go. They are natural and normal. It is OK. Allow yourself to do the best you can in the moment, not someone else's best or the “Should”that we put upon ourselves. Ask others for help, for a hug, a kind uplifting word, etc. You are not taking anything from them. They will benefit from helping and feeling useful. Love is never a burden.
Your decision to take care of your safety may not align with those around you. Oh well. Let go of the reigns when it is too much. Take the sick leave, the vacation, set boundaries for yourself. You are not that important, and neither am I. Know your limits and do not compare them with others. We are not alone in this world, trust that others will pick up where we leave off and be thankful! It does go on without us! When you have taken the time to heal and repair, you will be in a better place to help others. When it is their turn to take a break, you will make better decisions for all concerned. You might also be demonstrating for someone else how to take care of themselves too. Start a trend.
We are always where we need to be all the time. I Everyone has big problems to solve and when we are in it, it is hard to see any good that can come out of tragedy. All I can say is this, if you keep looking for the deep learning and meaning it has for you, it will appear. There is another side to this. Just hang on for now, it will show up.
Find a way to do something nice for someone, without expectation of acknowledgement. It is going to make you feel better, they benefit and so do you. It can give you a respite from yourself for a while and keeps you connected. It can be a simple, word of encouragement, a donation, an act of kindness.
Set an Intention, find gratitude in all things. Start your day with an intention. “I intend to not only survive this but thrive through this, I will find new ways to feel comforted and safe”. Stay grateful for what is going well and what you do have. Make a list daily and do not forget to pat yourself on the back. Take inventory for what you did to stay safe today. Write it down. It will be useful for you another time.
Take advantage of the Solitude. If you are alone right now because of circumstances, please consider changing that perspective from isolation to solitude. Many great sages and leaders seek out solitude to go within and listen. Some of the most creative and inspirational times come from solitude. Solitude can bring wisdom.
When you cannot change the situation, change yourself.
A great deal of our suffering and feeling unsafe is when we have not accepted the circumstances. Once we have accepted the situation and realize we are powerless over it, we can then be power full in our reactions. Other than resisting this situation, you will be able to move into what helps you feel safe until the situation changes. We do not need to wait for a situation or circumstance to change before our mood can change. We can find ways to lighten the mood. The circumstance does not predict how we must feel.
I hope these twelve suggestions can help you discover safety within. I hope you will reach out and let me know what has helped you and what you have learned about yourself. Nothing is permanent and there is always an answer! May you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be healthy, may you be safe and have deep compassion. You can do this!
In the meantime, here are some things you can do…
Listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FscIgtDJFXg
(Johnny Nash “I can see clearly now”)Listen to a podcast that inspires you
Invite your friends on Zoom to either create a meditation, prayer, gratitude, or a positive affirmation circle, reading and sharing uplifting words
Take a nap
Take a relaxing bath and then a cold shower
Eat less, help your body reserve its energy for managing your nervous system instead of digesting food. All your organs must work harder after eating a heavy meal. Drink more water, herbal teas.
Stop watching the news and checking the air quality frequently. Try to limit it to twice a day. Sign up for alerts so that way you are not increasing your anxiety.
Every hour on the hour either say 50 affirmations for wellbeing and safety. I use mala beads to help me count. Work your way up to 100.
Use essential oils in a diffuser. Rosemary, clove, eucalyptus, and peppermint are all good for breathing and they are natural antiseptics which help clean the air.
Try not to leave the house. Not only is the air right now extremely unhealthy, driving puts more Carbon Dioxide in the air and creates more traffic for those that need to flee or interferes with emergency vehicles. Only go out if you absolutely must like for medication, check on someone, or essential items. Ice cream is not essential. It is great, but you will live.
Find the funny in all this insanity
Journal
Color
Knit
Read anything that inspires you
Think of all the ways you can show gratitude to our firefighters and first responders who helped keep us safe when this all over.
Check in with yourself throughout the day. How are you feeling, what do you need? Have you eaten, drinking enough water? do you need to rest?
Send a text, email or even better, write an appreciation note to at least 5 people you know.
Cry.
Laugh.
Rip up all those papers you were going to shred by hand.
Put something back together.
Clean out your closets, find things you can donate.
Engage the five senses. Sight, smell, taste, touch, hear. Find something beautiful to look at, smell something uplifting (essential oils are great for this) eat something, sweet, sour, spicy, and salty, drink something hot and something cold. Pet your dog, cat, hug someone, or use some nice hand lotion and give yourself a nice foot massage. Listen to inspirational words, healing sounds and cheerful music.
Make a counseling appointment.
Do your homework from your counseling appointment.
Find a support group online.
Do some gentle yoga.
Play a board game with someone or play solitaire (not a video game).
If you have small children, read them a story - your inner child will benefit, too.
If you do not have a small child, there are bedtime stories you can listen to on YouTube or Insight Timer.
Sit on the floor or go to your basement if you have one. Smoke rises. The lower you are to the ground, the better. Sitting on the floor, is good for us as we get older.
Set your alarm on the weekends. Get up, take a shower, and get dressed. If you cannot show up, at least suit up. You will feel better.
Try out a new relaxation app like Calm, Insight Timer
Learn to breathe correctly. Our emotions are related to our breath cycle. (I can provide you with some resources for this)
Keep a dream journal. Our unconscious mind has good information for us.
Ok, your turn writes down some of your own ideas to help cope right now…
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2.________________________________
3._______________________________
4._______________________________
5._______________________________
Keep going…
